A typo...

Ok, see this kid... she's mine.  I tend not to talk too much about her on my blog because she is 15 AND 1/2 and I try to respect her privacy and all that - blah, blah, blah.  But I love her, she is indeed perfect, and was the first of my gifts to engulf my heart! Our firstborn, only child for 4 years, that somehow still thinks she is an only child.  So, if you see her, believe me when I say that it is quite useless to inform her that she is actually one of five! 

ANYWAYS, she is being all grown-up-like and traveling SOLO (bestill my heart) to visit her grandparents in Floida for spring break.  This is a first for me.  She's a smart cookie and fiesty to boot so I am confident that she will be fine.  Just one of those steps toward clipping the apron strings...

A little background info:

We spent forever choosing her name when I was pregnant with her.  We played the "name game" for hours, made all the lists, bought all these name books, made more lists and finally chose

ALLISON NICOLE

(lovely isn't it?!)

Being our first you can be assured her paperwork was filled out impeccably, checked and checked again.  However, some lady down at the Birth Certificate place hit an extra key and her Birth Certificate actually arrived in the mail as

Allison Nichole. 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!  See that "h" in her middle name?  It is not suppose to be there!   Seems pretty harmless though, doesn't it?

Let me tell you, I was completely freaking out, at the time, because back then I really did sweat the small stuff. :)  Called that office and they assured me it was a clerical error done by a woman covering for their usual lady (she had called in sick), her name was still what we chose and had filled out on the paperwork, and reissued a new birth certificate.  Only thing was that her first Birth Certificate with the spelling error triggered her Social Security Card to be issued and... guess what... it arrived with the wrong spelling of the middle name.  UGH!  So, being young and not really on top of things, I just threw that incorrect social security card into our filing cabinet and haven't needed it since.  Oh, we've needed the number off of it for all  kinds of things, but never actually the card itself.  So while on the list-to-do, it has never boiled to the top.

  Let me tell you - 15 AND 1/2 years later it has boiled to the top!

Guess what I found out today... in order to get on a plane, as a young adult (not an unaccompanied minor) you need a government issued photo identification card.  I called the BMV to see how she could get an Ohio Identification card.  They mentioned that she could get her driver temp liscense and that would work as her identification card.  Perfect! Since she just asked me to take her this week for the test anyways.  But guess what paperwork is required to get that?

a Birth Certificate AND a Social Security Card

(matching of course!)

I let them know ours were not a "matching set".  They said to go to the SS office and get a new card before coming to take the driver's temp test.  Which she needs to do to get that identification card.  Which she needs to board the plane.

So I called our SS office, explained to them why they didn't match, and could we get a new card issued.  Of course, they said, just bring in her birth certificate and a government issued identification card... WHAT?!

Believe me if I had that card I wouldn't be needing this stinkin replacement Social Security Card!

They decided that if I brought her health insurance card that had both her name and my name on it with her birth certificate and my drivers liscense that they could issue her a replacement card...

in 2 weeks!

So, because a lady 15 and 1/2 years ago called in sick - a woman covering for her made a typo - which caused an incorrect birth certificate - which triggered an incorrect social security card to be issued - which is needed for a driver's temp liscense- which is needed as a government issued identification card- which is needed for my solo flying teenager to get on a plane - which caused MANY MANY phone calls today and a long overdue trip to the social security office.  Whew.

Now let's hope she passes her test!  Because that is now the lynchpin in getting her on that plane.  So, if you see her,  PLEASE... PUH-LEASE, wish her luck on her drivers temp test!

Some days are really hard...

Today is one of those days where I'm about to throw a party - like a great big pity party and ya'll are invited! 

Today is March 3rd.  That day is forever etched on my heart as one of the most devastating days of my life.  Three years ago today, our little Scarlett Victoria was born.  I have replayed that day over in my mind a zillion times today.  To say I have been distracted is certainly an understatement.

 

But trying to stop my mind from visiting that hospital room, from remembering her tiny fingernails, from remembering her teeny outfit has been futile. 

So, there is a cake - but not a Happy Birthday cake.  And there will be balloons - but not for a party.  And there are baby girl dresses -  not hanging in a closet for party time but rather folded in a memory box.  And there is wonder - not the "I wonder what she will become" but

rather the "I wonder who she could have been". 

I wonder all the time. 

And so today my broken and healing heart has struggled with the bruises this day always brings.  But I promised myself when she was born that I would celebrate her.  And we do.  Each and every year. 

Balloons for a balloon launch with the kids where we all write a message to the missing sister.  We release them and watch until they are out of sight.  Come in and have some cake. 

And not just any cake.  The best cake ever.  I make the yearly trek to my favorite bakery over 45 minutes away and buy her the most beautiful cake they have.  I don't have a lot that I can do for this precious little soul that owns a piece of my heart.  But I can buy her a cake.  

So each year I make the trip and reflect and remember. 

So Greyson and I set out this afternoon for her cake.  We go in this quaint little bakery, share a scrumptious cookie, and take FOREVER to pick out her cake.  Finally decide on the tiny little white round cake with delicate orange and red fondant butterflies that look as if they are about to take flight.  A yellow cake with white chocolate mousse filling.  And decorated with tiny orange and red polka dots.  And had them write her name - Scarlett.  I love seeing that written out.  The bakers never know that the little girl whose name they are writing won't be having any of her cake.  I always wonder what little girl they imagine as they take the time to carefully spell out her name in a billowy cursive.

Very pleased with this years' selection we head home.  Placed an order for some matching red, orange and white balloons.  But the bakery was so far away - almost a 2hr round trip- and I spent too long picking it out that we had to go straight to the school to pick up the 3 big boys.  So, poor little Greyson's nap got way postponed as we waited for the boys in the car circle.  We picked them up and finally head home. 

The boys all run in the house and I set the white cake box on the table to run Greyson up for his way late nap.  And here is where my distracted self makes a grave error.  I KNOW how much Braden loves sweets - cakes, donuts, cookies.  He has seen way too many white boxes grace our counters with goodies in them!  I come down from laying Greyson down for his nap to a cake box not where I left it.  The sides of the box are torn since the tape wouldn't allow for just a peek. 

My heart just sank. 

I opened that box knowing what I would find inside and just hoping that somehow the cake would still be as I bought it.  Thinking the WHOLE time "I know better than this"  - "I should have known he'd be tempted to take a look if not a taste" - "Damn it - I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!"  

But the tape they put on did its job. 

And Braden did his. 

The cake that was oh-so-much-more-than-just-a cake was completely ruined.  It had been flipped over several times from the looks of it - I'm sure as Braden was looking for any way in. 

And I just burst into tears. 

Really. 

Over a cake.

But those tears were for the little girl who should have been.   

And they were for me... because I miss being the mama to that little girl.

And they were for the little boy who could not understand how important that cake was.

And they were for me...

because I couldn't be mad at that little boy.

Today is a hard day. 

There have been moments where being the mom of a child that was stillborn have collided with moments of being a mom of a child with a disability. 

And those moments have been more than I could handle.